Real-world rules apply online.
Think about who your kid can talk to, where they can go, and what they can share—on screens and off.
A good place to begin
Start wherever
you are.
Whether you’re planning a first phone or already fielding twelve group chats, you don’t have to solve everything today. But first, you need to know your own ground rules.
First things first
Know your ground rules.
Then stick to them.
If you don’t know what your boundaries are, your kiddo won’t either. You don’t need a 30-page family tech contract. You do need a few principles you can explain, use, and revisit as your kids grow.
These are mine. They’re not the only right answers, but feel free to borrow them if you haven’t settled on your own.
“Free” has a cost.
Apps can trade access for attention, ads, or data. Know what your family is giving up.
Progress beats perfect.
Make one thoughtful change. Then another. Nobody gets a gold star for finding every privacy toggle.
Have a little more time? Here are the ten rules I try to follow.
These aren’t commandments, and I’m not handing out parenting grades. They’re the principles I come back to when deciding what technology my kids can use, what information I’m comfortable sharing, and where to draw the line. I’m sharing the thinking behind them because knowing why you have a rule makes it a whole lot easier to stick to it.
- Have a plan.
Decide what you’re comfortable with before the next device, app, or social media request arrives.
- Apply your real-world rules online.
If you wouldn’t allow something in real life, think twice before allowing its online equivalent. Who your child talks to, what they share, and how they interact with strangers shouldn’t have entirely different standards just because there’s a screen involved.
- Make room for offline life.
Protect time for free play, independence, boredom, and making mistakes.
- Don’t let algorithms make your child’s choices for them.
In real life, kids can make a mistake, face a consequence, and learn. Online, a click, search, or interaction can influence recommendation systems to show them more of the same. The internet can keep reinforcing a choice without your child (or you) being aware of it.
- Bring your kids into the conversation.
Give them age-appropriate choices and explain the reasons behind your boundaries. The goal is to help them build their own judgment, not just follow rules until they can get around them.
- Turn down the noise.
Turn off nonessential notifications. Kids aren’t on-call doctors or CEOs; almost nothing in a group chat needs an immediate response. Protect their attention, sleep, and opportunities to practice sustained focus and self-regulation. Keep genuinely important family alerts on.
- Make companies earn your trust.
Look for services that respect children’s privacy rather than assuming a familiar brand is automatically safe. Privacy isn’t only about what your child chooses to share; companies also decide what they collect, infer, keep, and share.
- Know what you’re trading for “free.”
Consider what an app collects, tracks, and learns about your child in exchange for access. Data and attention may be part of the business model, even when there’s no price tag.
- Look for age-awareness.
Age-awareness means a service recognizes that your child is a child and can apply age-appropriate privacy and safety protections. Some legal rights and safeguards depend on age, service, and location. Give an accurate age and check what protections apply. Those protections can change as kids get older—revisit settings at birthdays and major account milestones.
- No judgment. Seriously.
This is uncharted territory. Talk with other parents about their choices, what worked, and what they wish they’d done differently. Share the online missteps, too. We learn more when we take the shame out of figuring it out together.
Next, find your place
Different starting points.
One step at a time.
Choose the stage that sounds most like your family. Each one opens to a few things you can actually do today.
01Just getting startedYou’re getting devices or accounts set up and want to start on the right foot.
Three things you can do now
- Check who can contact your child online and restrict chats to people you approve, where the app allows it.
- Turn off notifications 📣. Disable nonessential app and group-chat alerts; keep only the truly important ones.
- Require your permission before your child downloads an app. Look for purchase/download approval in the device’s family or parental-control settings.
Small settings changes can make a big difference. Start with one device.
02Already in the thick of itDevices, apps, games, and group chats are already part of daily life.
Three things you can do now
- Start a conversation with your kiddo about changing course. Try: “I read something about how these apps keep us coming back, and I want us to rethink a few settings together.” Or: “You know how I’m big on mental health? I think we’ve let the fire hose run wide open. Let’s figure out how to turn it into a steady stream.” Or: “Did you know some apps change their rules and settings as kids get older? Let’s check ours.”
- Prioritize apps. Ask your kid to pick their top three, then see how many of the others you can remove. Some apps can collect information in the background, depending on permissions and settings—even when they aren’t actively being used.
- Check the age on your child’s accounts and add a parent account or family supervision where available. It’s easy to use your own email or rush through setup just to get things working. Roblox and Nintendo Switch offer family or parental-control options worth revisiting.
You can tighten the stream without pretending yesterday never happened.
03Thinking aheadA first phone, social account, or new independence is coming.
Three things you can do now
- Decide which digital milestones will trigger a readiness conversation—first phone, smartphone, social media, or new independence. You may hear “Wait Until 8th,” but one age doesn’t fit every family. My approach: age is a milestone to review maturity and readiness for new responsibilities, never a promise that a device or app arrives on a particular birthday.
- Research your router’s capabilities. Some routers let you set internet hours by device. Kids may need more support stepping away when something feels good in the moment. Would time limits help in your house, or would you rather let your child build that muscle independently? Maybe it’s a tool for later. Only you can decide—but know what options you have.
- Pick one upcoming app, game, or device and spend real time learning its privacy, age-awareness, and family settings. Ask your chatbot clarifying questions. Be a beginner. Once you’ve learned one setup, the next one gets easier. Verify important instructions in the product’s current settings or help pages.
The strongest stance in negotiation is to manage expectations before the negotiation even begins.
Questions welcome
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Send me a DM with the app, setting, or digital decision you’re wrestling with. You might even inspire a future guide—without your details, of course.
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